I had my 20 week appointments today. Everything is in the right place and seems to be in working order. The placenta doesn't appear to be misbehaving with my uterine scars, so that's awesome. Heart and kidneys and placenta are all functioning. We didn't find out the sex. It wasn't moving much. Actually it wasn't moving at all (at least that I saw). No cute kicks or karate chops, butt wiggles or thumb-sucking. But the kid is OK, and that's what matters.
But ...
I've really been looking forward to seeing the kid again. I was laying there, watching the big ol' monitor on the wall across the room, when I went all tunnel visiony and got a loud rushing in my ears. I had to spend the rest of the appointment on my side with my eyes closed, shaking and sweating and trying not to puke. I was so hot and sweaty that I thought the exam bed was heated. I swear I could feel it radiating into me. Turns out it was me radiating into it. I've been waiting for this for seven weeks and all I could think was that I wanted it over quickly so I could sit up and have a glass of water.
I'm mad and embarrassed and disappointed. And I try to tell myself that all that matters is that the kid is fine, but I'm having a hard time believing, since I didn't get to see it.
The second appointment of the day went much more smoothly. I finally got to meet at least one of the doctors and she was awesome. The heartbeat was nice and strong and I managed to stay fucking conscious that time.
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2 comments:
Don't be so hard on yourself. You and D worked really hard to get pregnant, and it's really important to you so it's only natural that you're worried. You need to let yourself freak out a little or you're going to start freaking out about freaking out. :)
I nominated you for the Kreative Blogger award.
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