An Open Letter to J. Crew

In the spirit of McSweeney’s Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond:


Dear J. Crew,

I appreciate that the costs of doing business are ever-increasing, but really. $155 for a pair of jeans? Last year your jeans were something like $58. How do you justify a 200% increase in cost? Have there been some spendy improvements that I’m missing? Platinum buttons on the fly? Diamond rivets?

I love your jeans. Love them. They make this short, stumpy girl look almost lean and leggy. That alone is worth maybe 60 bucks. But $155? Sorry. No way.

While we’re on the subject of jeans, whose idea was the new sizing system? Buying jeans is hard enough without needing a measuring tape and a conversion chart.

I understand that you are trying to do this new ‘European’ thing. I got that when the last pair of jeans I bought from you made me feel like a dyslexic amputee. I can’t get those things unbuttoned to save my life. My hands don’t work that way. This makes for a very uncomfortable bathroom situation.

Now these sizes. Are they measurements? Because according to the conversion chart, the waist measurement that corresponds to the size I normally wear is about 4 inches smaller than my actual waist. Plus, according to the style of the day, jeans don’t fit at the waist. Should I be measuring my hips? If so, the conversion chart is about a foot off.

I’ve only just figured out—through trial, error, and a small fortune in shipping costs—which of your sizes work for me. Now you’ve gone and changed it all and I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for.

Can’t you scrap the Europhilia thing and go back to focusing on spoiled, white American kids?

Sincerely yours,
Ashley