The Big Tease

I go back to work next Wednesday. August is always a bittersweet time, but this year seems more bitter than most.

Last year at this time, I was in the middle of my maternity leave, which--other than a couple of weeks--overlapped with my summer vacation. After 8 weeks at home with LD, I was ready to go back and didn't have much trouble adjusting to being at work while LD was at day care. In fact, it was honestly easier than I expected.

I used to think that I would want to stay at home when I had kids. However, faced with the reality of an actual child, I realized that I am not the best person for the job. He gets so much more stimulation and interaction at day care than I could ever offer at home (unless I were running my own day care which, omg, a world of no).

Being home with him this summer only validated that decision. After spending all day every day with him, I'm ready to climb the walls and so is he. I think we are both grateful for the one or two days a week he goes to day care. We seem to get along much better afterward.

The bitter part is that Tuesdays are the only bad days. He usually goes to day care Wednesdays and Thursdays, and we have a blast Friday through Monday. By Tuesday, he's tired of me and all the limited charms that home has to offer to a 13-month-old, and I am definitely ready for a break, too. The problem is that we--or maybe it's just I--have so much fun on those Fridays through Mondays. I don't want to give them up.

I guess I've just come to realize, in a very real and personal way, how fast it all goes. And, I know, I KNOW. Everyone says that and I could rattle it off last August too: "I'm trying to enjoy every moment because it goes so fast." Blah blah blah.

But I'm here to tell you, my baby is gone. He is a boy now. And next August I'll be here telling you that this little boy I'm writing about now is gone and he's been replaced by a big boy.

I just don't want to miss it.

Does anyone ever feel like they didn't miss it?

I do realize how incredibly lucky I am. I have the best of all possible worlds. I get to work and feel like a productive member of this family and society, then for threeish months of every year I get to spend all day with my kid.

But now I'm going back to work knowing exactly what I'm missing and knowing that it will never be this way again.