The Baby Thing

Sigh. I knew when I started this blog that I would get here eventually. I didn't realize it would be this soon.

I just don't have the baby fever yet. I know I should ... I'll be 28 this year, biological clock and all that. (I mean I have friends who are two, three years younger and feeling it. What's wrong with me?) I think I'm pretty sure that I want kids, but mostly what I feel right now is panic. Hell, we are getting a dog today and I'm totally freaked out about screwing her up.

What would I do with a kid?

And then. And then. D and I went over to chat with our neighbors and their 12-year-old granddaughter was on the phone outside talking about sex. How will I deal with a 12-year-old having sex? It makes my chest hurt to think about it. Babies I can deal with. I would love to have permababy--it's when they get a little older that I'm not sure I can handle. Adolescents like to yell at their parents. I know. I was one. I told my mom I hated her. It must have broken her heart. Especially because she is, and always has been, one of my favorite people. We had a great mother-daughter relationship and had very little of the antagonism that comes with the teen years.

So if our relationship was good, yet I still told her I hated her, what are my chances with my own kid?

My college roommate called the other night. In the middle of the conversation she blurted out "So when are you going to start having babies?" I shot back that she'd been married a whole three months longer than me ... when is she going to start having babies. Silence. I asked "Did you already start?" She hadn't told anyone and I'm not sure she planned to tell me that they are not trying not to have a baby. She's ... hm. I think she's 26, but her husband is 36, so they want to get started. Sort of, I guess.

And my closest girlfriend from high school is five months along. She is going to be a fantastic mom and I am so, so happy for her. And so happy that she is so happy! I love to read her emails about everything that is happening to her and how excited she and her husband are. And I'm very jealous because I would love to be there, too.

But all of this makes me feel pressure. It makes me wonder why this isn't something I want yet. Why are they ready and I'm not?

I take comfort that D is in the same place. He loves kids and is pretty sure he wants some of his own, but he doesn't know when. Like me, he only knows that it's not. right. now.