This is Not My Beautiful Life ...

By request, my latest angsty post.

Do you ever wonder how you got here from there? I've always pictured my life like a Norman Rockwell painting (with less patriotism), or a Thomas Kincaid painting (with less diffused light and pseudo-Christianity), or even a Currier and Ives print (with less, um, horses?).

I was supposed to live in a cozy house on a quiet tree-lined street. There was supposed to be a weeping willow in the front yard and a little grove of lilac bushes in the back. Maybe there's an apple tree. I was supposed to be able to walk to work, because the library is mere blocks from my house. There were to be kids playing in the yards and their parents on the porches. In the summer, everyone would hang red, white, and blue bunting (so, maybe just like a Norman Rockwell painting?) and there would be a parade for every holiday.

Have you ever seen 'Sleeping With the Enemy'? Not exactly the kind of movie you want to model your life after, but all I've ever wanted is what she had after she ran away (minus the return of the abusive, murderous husband): a porch swing, a clawfoot tub, a neighbor singing showtunes.

Something in my plan went horribly awry. I have the house, the husband, the yard, even the street, sort of. One dog? Check. One cat? Check. 2.5 kids? Give us a few years. But where is my peaceful small town? Where is my five-minutes-on-foot commute? Instead my perfect house is in the blandest of the bland suburbs. There is no character. There is no Main Street. There is no downtown. Just ... nothing. The habitat equivalent of processed cheese. Bland and tasteless, with an odd texture and a color not found in nature. And I have yet to see even one patriotic bunting.

I am not a city girl. Cities are nice to visit, but I would never choose to live here. We are here out of necessity. If we were jobless in Michigan, the terrorists would win. Even if we weren't though, does my little town exist? If it does, is it full of Republicans?

The first years of my life were spent in a town with a lot of qualities like I described. And I'm not romanticizing it, because I went back shortly before I moved here and it was just like I remember. Except there's a McDonald's now. The problem with this town, and I suspect it's true of a lot of towns like it, is there's nothing to do. It was great for a little kid, it was great for my parents because they had a very solid and social group of friends. For teens, all they have is to get pregnant, get married, and stay in that town forever. The median income is $29K. Only 10% of adults have a college degree.

But the library is right downtown.